Epiphanies? I think we have those....

I know, I know. Lack of updates. I've just been really busy with classes and figuring shit out. Last night was a big night for me in terms of the latter. I found out a very important thing about myself: I don't know how to be me. With everyone doing things for me because I can't and not having any true control over what happens, I have trouble finding things that I can do completely on my own. Is this an identity crisis? I'm gonna find out...

Results of stress

Being handicapped is no easy thing. Most of the time its not so bad; nothing I can do about it anyway. I can usually take anything in stride, but when it all piles up its gotta go somewhere. My whole life people have done things for me, because I can't. They get things for me, they bathe me, they piss me, they put me on the can, they even brush my teeth and shave me. I'm ok with this because I understand that to live, I need to depend on others. Only for certain things though. Throughout my schooling, I've had aids to help me do the physical parts of attending school. The problem is, there's a fine line between doing the physical part of my work and doing all of it. That line was crossed way too many times and because of that, when I finally put a stop to it, I made it really hard for myself by stopping it right before I started college. Now, last semester I had it relatively easy; only taking one challenging course and one I could pass while getting head. I aced that one while getting a C in the other with minimal stress. The reason I think I got a C was because I'm not used to having to motivate myself to do things, since I always had someone else to tell me when to do it. That, and I think I have a problem with laziness, again stemming from having too much help as a kid. This semester I'm taking two challenging classes and after my first day, I'm scared shitless. I don't know if I'm up to the task physically or mentally. I just wish I knew.